I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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