im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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