i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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