I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
