did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
