We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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