I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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