I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
