I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
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