either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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