I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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