Hey man sorry I got all grabby
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
