Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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