addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
