Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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