she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
