Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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