using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
