What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
