I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
