The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
