Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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