There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
