I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize