I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
