I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Girls should come with a carfax report
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
