I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I have demons in me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
