sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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