I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
