dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
