well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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