Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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