Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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