3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
