I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
