Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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