Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Randomize
