Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
