How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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