I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
