totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
