i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
