so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
