friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize