I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
