my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
