I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
