After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
