: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Can I color on your dick again?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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