i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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