im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
