I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
