there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
