my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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