Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My hand turned me down
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
