the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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