Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
