I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
